I’m not sure what my life is at the moment. A struggle? A monotony of tedium? A waste of time?
I’ll be honest here, I’m struggling to see where I fit in exactly. I’m not sure what road to take or what direction I should go in. I don’t know who to talk to or whether I should be asking for help or just holding my chin up high and hoping for the best! It’s all a big muddle of “what am I and what am I doing exactly?!” And as you can imagine, it’s all very confusing and slightly depressing.
Now, I had a lecturer at university that said two things on our first day with him.
Number one: “always hit the ground running” meaning, start as you mean to go on, with purpose, with gumpsion excetera excetera.
And number two: “you can never be wrong here” – which was complete bullshit by the way as the first point I made in his class I was told “I see your point, but no.”
Anyway; it’s this first point I’m going to focus on and I’ll be honest (again) I attempt to live by this, it’s great, it means to try with all your might from the off so people can see what you’re about and so on. However I can’t help that niggling feeling in my head going; what’s the ground made of? What if I trip? What if it’s nothing but pure pain to run on? What if- you get the idea, I over think it. Constantly. This is therefore the reason I’m struggling currently.
I’m over thinking everything over and over and over again and spending ages overanalysing every single tiny detail and stopping myself from actually doing something productive. I’m pausing my life so I can prepare myself to hit the earth running?! It’s ludicrous I know, but this is where I am currently. In a vaccum of “what if?”‘s and “how come?”‘s.
It sucks! It’s not like I don’t want to find my dream job or take that perfect photograph or finally start YouTube or whatever but I’m currently just sat here, on the sofa, in my pyjamas, overthinking things, making mental to-do lists for life, and procrastinating (i.e. this blog post) and not actually getting up and being productive and it’s annoying me to no end!
This endless cycle of overanalysing and self-pity and monotony of doing the same thing day after day after day has got to stop! But maybe this is the first step in doing that…? I sure hope so.